I’m trying to get a hold on this.
Sto provando. Dating is a tricky thing, but I’m trying to let it be easy. Realmente sto provando. And, I’m trying to speak positively to myself about it, but to tell you the truth, I hate dating. I really, really hate it. I feel like I’m on a job interview and everything I do is being analyzed and has to mean something. Ma ancora, sto provando.
Is my outfit sending the right message? Is my conversation choice “date appropriate”? And dating foreign men, is the message sent the message actually received? I’m a “touchy” person – I’m from an affectionate family…In Italy I’ve been told I come across as too flirty. Apparently something as simple as a smile and touch of the arm can mean something completely different to me than it does to him. Is he paying or are we going “dutch”? I’ve been told, by a male Italian friend, that if I let an Italian man pay for my drinks/meal or ask him to drive me home then its unspoken that I’ll put out, which adds more pressure to the night. Do all Italian men think that way? What if during the date I realize he’s liking me way more than I like him? What will I do at the end of the night if I don’t want to even kiss him and he’s just bought me dinner? What if I do want to kiss him, but then he’s a terrible kisser who tries to lick half my face off? Is it rude to give kissing lessons on a first date???
If you think I’m over-analyzing then you’re married or in a long-term relationship and haven’t been on a date in years. Consider yourself fortunato. Do something sweet for your significant other today and thank your lucky stars that you’re not playing the field at thirty-six.
I’ve always had good fortune in every part of my life…except dating. I was in relationships (with all the wrong partners) for all of my twenties. I figured that out in my thirties and, for the most part, have been single ever since. And, to be completely honest, my thirties truly have been the best years of my life. I’m perfectly content alone so why choose someone just for the sake of having them? I don’t need a man (or woman) by my side to lead a full and happy life. Most of the time I find that detail to be a huge blessing, but on a rainy day when I want to snuggle up with someone on the couch and watch movies all day, it feels more like a curse. That whole “ignorance is bliss” thing floats through my mind and for a fleeting moment, I wish I was less self-aware and could be happy with just anybody. But, that’s stupid. So, it’s movie day alone. Again.
I can’t settle. It’s not in my DNA.
I consider myself an excellent catch, which is important, I guess. If I don’t think I’m good enough then why would anybody else? The older I get the more sure I am of exactly what I do and don’t want in a life partner, which is a double-edged sword because it drastically shrinks my dating pool. It’s a damn good thing I’ve gone global!
The other thing that shrinks my dating pool significantly is my big, fat mouth. I refuse to say what someone wants to hear if it’s not what I believe or want to say. Even when I sprinkle sugar on my brutal honesty, it’s still not easy for others to swallow. I know this, but it’s who I am and I like that I’m honest. Open, honest communication is where a real relationship starts for me. After all, if someone can’t handle the real me on a few dates, then they don’t have a snow ball’s chance in hell of lasting fifty years with me. My thoughts and feelings are my intellectual property and I never let someone bully me into doing or saying something that doesn’t feel right for me. I say what’s on my mind and I don’t let people get away with passive-aggressive behavior. I’m pretty sure that makes me come across as a bitch at times, but more so, I think I come across as too free-thinking and too independent for the average man’s taste. (Fine with me…I’m not looking for average, anyway.)
Here’s a lovely example. I was alone with a guy the other night who was making it very clear that he wanted to have sex with me. It was our first date. He was attractive, intelligent and we’d had a good time, but I wasn’t feeling any sexual chemistry with the guy, especially after he had just licked the lower half of my face like it was melting gelato. The thought of having sex with him basically repulsed me after that. I wanted nothing of the sort. I told him in a direct, mature, but thoughtful way that we would not be having sex. He clearly didn’t take kindly to the rejection because he responded by cocking one of his eyebrows up and said, “How do you know I’m not a murderer?” I smiled, looked him dead in the eyes, grabbed his shoulder and shook him slightly as I replied, “Well, then I guess you should just go ahead and kill me because I’m still not having sex with you.” Our date was over and I put him in the potential serial killer category. He said it, not me.
And, yes, that really happened.
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been bad. I’ve been on a few dates here with really wonderful men and have had great experiences, but none of them have been “the one.” I’d be happy to still date them casually, but it feels a bit irresponsible when the vibes I get from them are that they like me way more than I like them. With the cultural and communication barriers it feels like if I keep dating them then I’ll end up in situations where I’m forced to concede my beliefs and my body. And for me (and likely all women), sex sucks when I don’t want to have it, so why put myself in that compromising position of feeling more “pretty woman” than beautiful me?
As you can probably imagine, dating has produced a mess of cobwebs in my brain lately. Maybe you’re right…I’m over-thinking the shit out of this! I need to spend some time clearing my mind and breathing through the huge heaviness I feel in my chest. I want dating to be fun and carefree, not so damn serious with all of the expectations and misunderstandings. I know it’s possible. I see it around me all the time. I just need to see it for me. And, more importantly, I need to get to the root of the problem. Apparently, somewhere in my subconscious I don’t think I’m worthy or capable of a healthy, happy relationship, otherwise this wouldn’t keep happening. Where in the world does that come from?!?
Okay, let me jam my new anthem and noodle on that. Care to join me? —-> Settle Down!
Well I’m not sure what I want to say. I hear everything you are saying, but I think your feelings are justified. The sad truth is us married women are probably a little jealous of your ventures. I love my family but even married life offers the moments when you don’t want to snuggle at all. Nobodies life is without challenges. I agree that being a strong and independent woman would be challenging for 90 percent of the men out there. You are perfect the way god made you and that is just why someone perfect is out there for you too. You will find him and when you do it will be like fireworks and you will know! I love that you let us in and share your life. I wish we could have shared more growing up because our little time left a big imprint on me.
Chin up, love
I think you are an incredible person and any person would be lucky to spend life with you. I don’t think your over analyzing, it’s what we all think and wonder when dating. Anyone who thinks you are has either forgotten the difficult times or refuses to accept reality. Never settle! You are an inspiration and I live your blunt personality. Wish I had the balls to be more like that. I’m working on it slowly. :) Don’t give up and have fun. Also carry a weapon of some sort just in case you end up on another date with a killer.
I just love you. You are such an outstanding woman, and I feel greatly fortunate to know you. Coach would be proud of you if he would read this. I’ve been trying to get him to read your blogs, but you know him, he doesn’t read much! LOL Keep up the great words!
[…] in a relationship. I’ve dated many wonderful people, but just wasn’t finding the right one. I was frustrated when I wanted to feel hopeful. Writing always pulls the truth out of me, so I sat down in front […]