Heart on My Sleeve
I really do feel like I’m going through a metamorphosis. I feel the buzzing, whirling and churning happening in the core of my body and being. I find myself lost in thought, sitting, crying and breathing it all in. I was never much of a crier; I always choked back tears. It made me feel stronger and in control and I thought it hurt more to cry for whatever reason. I had no idea how good it felt to just let go and allow the tears to flow. I shed pounds of worry, guilt, fear and anxiety with a good cry these days. (And I don’t feel less strong or capable while I’m retouching my make-up.)
This self-seeking journey I’m on really has been an emotional roller coaster. I feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt in my adult life. For the first time in a really long while, I find myself truly needing people. Instead of hating it or beating myself up because of it, I’m warming up to these vulnerable pieces of me. I deserve goodness and gentleness and kindness and the love from a truly giving heart. I knew this once upon a time, but apparently it had slipped my mind.
We all deserve those things, but we sometimes forget and settle for less and tell ourselves that we got what we deserved because we lied, cheated or betrayed someone at some point in our life and these things happen to “bad” people and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But, that’s simply not true. No one’s happiness is above your own. Nobody deserves happiness more than you. But, your happiness isn’t necessarily going to show up on your doorstep wrapped in a conspicuous red bow either. You have to be brave enough to truly engage in your life. Feel everything and be open to anything – in other words, be vulnerable. Sound enticing (and scary as hell)?
Then maybe it’s time for your own self-seeking mission to find what makes you happy.
I never realized until now how exhausting it’s been holding back all of these years. Now that I take an emotional inventory, check in with myself and listen to my body, I feel more engaged and available. I’m more accepting. I have bad moments, but never a bad day. I’m more selective with the things I do and the people I spend time with so I rarely have a bad time. I’m living on a budget for the first time in years and am remembering that I’m resourceful and capable under pressure. But the most important change I’ve noticed in myself is that I’m more compassionate. I find myself listening on a different level and offering comfort, encouragement and solace to those around me. In turn, I feel more love, support and acceptance than ever before. My relationships are strong. My roots are deep.
And, I would’ve never gotten there without opening myself up and being vulnerable. It’s been said that those who take the biggest risks enjoy the greatest rewards. We can never truly experience the fullness of freedom, joy, love and belonging until we go ahead and put our heart on our sleeve knowing that it might take a pounding. For me, it’s the ultimate risk, but to know that the most beautiful moments in my life will come from it…well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take again and again and again.
*****
I’m happy to report my travel adventures start back up on January 8th. I look forward to sharing more stories of unforgettable moments, (mis)adventures, amazing food and wine, life lessons, aha moments and good ol’ jo-ified unsolicited advice.
Happy holidays and lots of love from me to you.
That’s very well said!!!