Family Feud: Unsolicited Advice

• By Johanna Nuding+
• Posted in Change, Life, Personal Stories, Uncategorized, Unsolicited Advice
• On June 18, 2013
• 6 Comments.

When I was a kid, I loved sitting on the sofa with my Granny watching Family Feud.  There was always less feuding on the game show and more Richard Dawson kissing female contestants and battling fits of giggles at some of the absurd responses he’d hear.  The show was entertaining.

What’s not entertaining are actual family feuds.

Even if you’re fighting with only one family member, the strife causes stress on the whole family and consistently ruins family holidays and get-togethers.  ‘Tis the season of family reunions and backyard barbeques, so if you find yourself between a sibling and a hard place, I have some unsolicited advice.

1. You’re family, whether you like it or not.  None of us chose each other, but a power much greater than us felt our souls should take this lifelong journey together.  Trust the creator of the heavens and the earth, he/she/it appears to be omnipotent.
2. Grudges make you ugly and unapproachable.  Holding onto a grudge will eat you from the inside out. It steals your playful nature and replaces it with spite.  It pulls your beautiful smile into a perma-go-to-hell-frown with laser-glare eyes to match and makes you unbearably difficult to be around.  Everyone prefers a happy you – even you (admit it)!
3. Be the MVP. Somebody has to be the bigger person.  You’re strong and capable so why not step up to the plate and make the first compromise to mend the relationship?  Swallow your pride and offer forgiveness.  Allow the heaviness of the feud to disappear from your shoulders.
4. Family is the ultimate team sport.  Your fight affects the whole family – brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, and sometimes extended members of the fam.  If you played sports you remember the saying, “There’s no I, in TEAM” and very deeply understand the meaning and its importance.  That same concept applies to the family unit.  When you push away the people you love, there’s no U in FAMILY.  That’s a lonely place to be.
5. Do you really want to cause undo stress on an old person – and not just any old person – the one(s) that nurtured you and spoiled you rotten and comforted you when you needed it most?   If for no other reason, make peace for your Grandmother who needs to know that her family is going to be okay.
6. There are three sides to every story – your side, their side, and the truth, which lies somewhere in the middle.  Remove your ass-kicking boots of judgment for a moment and slide yourself into the other person’s shoes.  Recollect where the problems began.  What did you do or say that helped create the situation?  Was it something emotionally hurtful?  Is it about money?  Did you put the other person in an unwanted situation?  Recognize that your feelings are valid, but understand the other person has some reasonable factors that you must also consider.
7. What if they died tomorrow?  There would be so many things left unsaid, including, “My relationship with you is too important to waste time bickering over petty things.  I love you.”  You would regret not mending the relationship.  You would worry they didn’t truly know how much you loved them before they were taken away from this earth.  Living with shame and regret can be a personal hell.  I watched it claim the life of my Uncle Jeff, a kind, and loving, talented, handsome man.  What a heartbreaking waste of a beautiful life.
8. “The past is over and cannot be changed.  This is the only moment I can experience.”  Write this down. Memorize it.  Repeat it aloud every time you start to get angry or upset about the events of the past and how you’ve been wronged or abused by anyone in your life.  It’s over, man.  Let.  It.  Go.  As En Vogue, so eloquently taught us in the early ’90s – “Free your mind, and the rest will follow”.
9. Write a letter to your feuding family member – tell them all of the things that you love and respect about them.  Tell them what you miss about having a close relationship. Remind them how much you love and need them in your life.  Apologize and take responsibility for whatever part you played in the feud. Describe the sort of relationship you hope to have with them.  Don’t even dare mention details of the bad stuff.  Let that go.  Hand-write the letter, mail it with a loving heart and prepare yourself to move forward.
10. Practice being normal.  Make an effort to reconnect and mend the relationship.  Engage in family activities in a sincere and genuine way.  Remind yourself that the dispute is in the past when those nasty feelings start rearing their ugly head.  Acknowledge your weakness and ask for support when you need it.  You’ll be surprised, with just a little bit of effort Team Family will rally around with enough love and support to get you through to the next chapter of your amazing adventure that is life.

You can do this.  I believe in you.